Saturday, October 24, 2009

Fear

The other night in a knee jerk reaction, I dismissed my sweetie. I did not like how I reacted. When I act in these hurtful ways I am not coming from a place of expansiveness. My sweetie had texted me and asked if I would take notes for other parents who could not attend a class that was offered through my son's day care. I told her that I would take notes and share them with other parents. Well, the class did not really lend itself to taking notes. When my sweetie asked if I had taken the notes, I summarily dismissed her. I did not simply say that although I had taken notes, they were not easily shared, my attitude made her wrong for even suggesting the idea in the first place.

I want to be the compassionate space for the world to exist around me. What gets in the way? What prevents me from being the loving space that lets things arise around me? In this case, I think it was an initial resistance to the task in the first place. It was an initial resistance born of fear. I do not see myself as a particularly good note taker and I suspect that I feared that my competence would be judged by the other parents. The fear was there, but not until I examined it now, was it ever acknowledged. In the end, my fear poisoned my reponse to my sweetie. It leaked out. If I had been able to see my fear at being judged about the notes I would have had more choices. I would have seen the fear and perhaps realized that who I am is bigger than the feeling of being afraid. I might have realized that the fear would pass too and I might not have responded from such a conditioned place. After all, she had the larger community in mind whereas my attitude toward her was closed off and self involved. Fear can be like that especially if it is not acknowledged. When it is acknowledged fear has a kind of exhilarating quality to it but when it stagnates in one's pysche it can pollute one's actions.

What are we really afraid of? Often it is a phantom. Look deeply. Are you protecting an image of yourself like I was? It was important that I be seen as "competent". Its a way I try to define myself, but definitions of ourselves are poor substitutes for just being ourselves and sensing it through and through. Who would I be if I were not competent? Would I still exist? Who would I be if I were not smart, or funny or male, or female or fill in the blank? Unconditional love comes from knowing that you are worthy of love, that you are in fact love, when you are absolutely nothing at all. This is what we desire so deeply - love for no reason - just because. Why is it so important that the world know I am -- fill in the blank? I suspect its when I am not rooted in the deeper connection with everything that it matters whether I exhibit certain qualities that make me feel special. Its when I do not feel the specialness of simply existing that I am afraid that I need to be a certain way.

I would like to ask you, what makes you afraid and I would like your responses? Few people live fearlessly, so what situations, people, circumstances, or scenarios, or things in general make you afraid? Maybe posting a comment makes you afraid? Let's talk about our fears. I want to hear from you.

4 comments:

Yvonne said...

Ahoi,

well, in the past I would have answered: *I am afraid of losing my mind* LOL

NOW, I say: *I am afraid of NOT loosing my mind* :-)

I still have a conditioned reflex in certain situations, for example in groups (Do they like me ...) or when it concerns my family (when somebody is ill ...)

Love, Yvonne

Aralan said...

I so agree. It so funny when we realize that we don't have to take the mental chatter that goes on in our heads quite so seriously anymore.

And even if we still have conditioned reflexes to be fearful of certain things it has a different feel to it when we fundamentally realize we are "ok" or that things are "ok" rather than coming from a self improvement perspective where I must conquer my fear to be whole. It is freeing to realize we already are whole even with our fear.

Doreen said...

I have this vague kind of fear that I may not be physically touched by another human being, except my kids, again? It sounds like I'm projecting into the future, not really; it is more a feeling within me, that no longer longs for an embrace, and yet, I wonder if this feeling will return or be transmuted in to something new?

All the people that I feel closest to, besides the kids, are miles and miles away...(in the forum)
And, too, I am content within myself...but seems like it is natural to go to the "next stage"?

Doreen said...

For one who is awakening, I can say with absolute assurance that the feeling of fear, as anxiety in the body, dissolves completely.

I know that our natural fear response is still functioning, when needed. But our useless, repetitive "false" fear goes.

I can no longer, actually, give an example of what might activate fear in me.