Of recent, I have been thinking, musing, meditating and reflecting, a lot, upon truth. I feel drawn towards what it is asking of me. It seems that it is calling me moment by moment to a new kind of life, a new kind of adventure. It is not one in which I understand much, but that is part of what makes it exciting and vibrant.
As a little boy, I always dreamed of being some kind of hero. I dreamt of slaying dragons or flying deep into space and discovering new planets and species. (Can we say science-fiction geek) I would be face to face with danger and fear and I would prevail. I was thrilled by those who sacrificed themselves for all of humanity. I admired martyrs or savior archetypes. I am still drawn to that kind of fiction. Give me Frodo Baggins or Paul Atreides, Katniss Everdeen, Commander Amelia Shepard any day. I will always take them. What is interesting now though is that I can feel that adventure in life itself. As truth’s voice becomes clearer not necessarily on any cosmic or grandly goal oriented scale but in the minutiae of heeding its moment to moment requests, I realize there is more than enough adventure in even the most simple of lives. For me to align with truth in the moment requires a submission and staggering courage. Standing as who you are, unfettered and undaunted by the myriad ways the world tells you otherwise is thrilling. This is the adventure.
It is easy to make truth a concept, a simple set of rules, prescriptions, ideas, commandments, laws, bargains, and justifications but truth precedes them all. Truth gives rise to them all. They all try to capture truth, but fail because truth is ever moving even in its stillness. It is quieter than all those concepts and yet much more powerful, in part because it does not need anything else. Truth is its own contentment; it is it own end. As this silent voice is felt moment to moment to moment I recognize that I do not know anything. I recognize that it could ask anything of me in the next moment. It is anything but predictable. This makes for a very exciting existence. Anything in the world could show up and many things we have not even begun to imagine could appear too. What could be more exciting than that? What could be more exciting than answering that call? The courage to truly be who I am with all my beauty and ugliness, perfection within my imperfection is mindblowing in its vibrancy.
The call of truth to meet truth in all it manifestations in the world is exciting. It is also terrifying. Currently I can feel the schizophrenia. On the one hand safety exists. One can always do things the easy way. One can always keep the status quo. One does not need to rock the boat. (And of course this is ultimately fine). Truth has no need for judgment only our minds and ego’s do. On the one hand it is not hard to say things like you have always said to people around you. There is safety in saying I’m fine when really I’m really frustrated. There is safety in telling the white lie about someone’s outfit so as not to hurt their feelings. There is convenience when we take the pens from the office but don’t believe we will get caught. There is ease in pretending not to see that person as they approached elevator so that we could get to our floor more quickly. There is safety in remaining quiet and not saying hello to that person who passed us by because we were afraid they would think we were creepy. There is safety in keeping quiet when our colleague gossips about another colleague. There is convenience when we rapidly consume precious resources. The path of safety always exists. And in then end who ARE is more important than what we do. But the calling is about embodying the perfection of our essence. Safety becomes less appealing relative to truth.
While there is safety as a choice, for this body/mind currently, the gap between truth and embodiment of it in the world is increasingly challenging. It is becoming more painful to act out of alignment. But its not even painful because I expect more of myself or have some idea of how I should behave exactly. It’s painful because as I’ve realized more thoroughly what I am, I want to consciously be it all the time. In the past, I have been motivated by reward or by fear. Believe me they still operate. But they seem to be very juvenile forces for moving and action and it feels like they take place in this much larger arena. Terms like retribution, payback, reward, punishment and even karma, and justice how they are sometimes used, rely upon the future. They rely upon something being different than it is now and depend on a notion that things are at some level wrong with this moment as a means of moving people to do act. That feels less interesting. How often I have been motivated to do good for the promise of some cookie or sweet treat or to avoid something bad. But actually there is a motivator that is beyond each of those and it is who we are in our core. It is the essence of the world.
In some religions people are afraid of some grand judgment from God that will banish us from “his” presence or that we will suffer at some later time. I say Baaah. In truth, we suffer more than enough for anything that isn’t aligned with truth. Love is all forgiving. In fact, in a way, for love, forgiveness does not even exist because from love’s perspective whatever it is that would “need forgiving” is ultimately just another manifestation of love itself. It is just love showing up in some other way. There is no grand judgment that one fails and is punished or rewarded for. Not being aligned with truth IS its own suffering. It is its own hell. And if there is the notion that something is too big or “evil” for forgiveness that is not true either. Truth is all embracing, the end. God is ALL forgiving the end. There is not anything anyone could do that would ever move them out of the divine’s grace. At the same time, I don’t wonder if most, if not all of any current pain (that isn’t purely physical) doesn’t come from unresolved past moments in which we were not aligned with truth. It’s like the shape that shows up, who I take myself to be are all the places where I am not transparent. It is all the places where pain has latched on to some kind of framework and I am creating a somebody out of it. Yes, the pain happens. It is absolutely real. Yes, it hurts. But who hurts? Who is it actually happening to? In fact, exactly who am I? Am I this body? Am I my thoughts? This projection into the future? Am I my past experiences?
Increasingly I can hear and feel something that wants to be expressed and I can tell that to be true to it I must let go (even amidst uncertainty and fear). Again this letting go is not on some grand scale. This is not splendor on display. It is again meeting truth moment to moment to moment and who knows what it will request. If up to this point in my life I had clear plans for what needed to be done and what needed to be saved, and what theories of action in the world might bring about lasting change, it feels as though they are about to be subsumed in a silence driven by the heart. Silence animates all regardless of whether or not we have paid attention to it. It is this silence whose drumbeat continues to resonate more clearly. I will keep you posted as it all develops.