Fear

The other night in a knee jerk reaction, I dismissed my sweetie. I did not like how I reacted. When I act in these hurtful ways I am not coming from a place of expansiveness. My sweetie had texted me and asked if I would take notes for other parents who could not attend a class that was offered through my son's day care. I told her that I would take notes and share them with other parents. Well, the class did not really lend itself to taking notes. When my sweetie asked if I had taken the notes, I summarily dismissed her. I did not simply say that although I had taken notes, they were not easily shared, my attitude made her wrong for even suggesting the idea in the first place.

I want to be the compassionate space for the world to exist around me. What gets in the way? What prevents me from being the loving space that lets things arise around me? In this case, I think it was an initial resistance to the task in the first place. It was an initial resistance born of fear. I do not see myself as a particularly good note taker and I suspect that I feared that my competence would be judged by the other parents. The fear was there, but not until I examined it now, was it ever acknowledged. In the end, my fear poisoned my reponse to my sweetie. It leaked out. If I had been able to see my fear at being judged about the notes I would have had more choices. I would have seen the fear and perhaps realized that who I am is bigger than the feeling of being afraid. I might have realized that the fear would pass too and I might not have responded from such a conditioned place. After all, she had the larger community in mind whereas my attitude toward her was closed off and self involved. Fear can be like that especially if it is not acknowledged. When it is acknowledged fear has a kind of exhilarating quality to it but when it stagnates in one's pysche it can pollute one's actions.

What are we really afraid of? Often it is a phantom. Look deeply. Are you protecting an image of yourself like I was? It was important that I be seen as "competent". Its a way I try to define myself, but definitions of ourselves are poor substitutes for just being ourselves and sensing it through and through. Who would I be if I were not competent? Would I still exist? Who would I be if I were not smart, or funny or male, or female or fill in the blank? Unconditional love comes from knowing that you are worthy of love, that you are in fact love, when you are absolutely nothing at all. This is what we desire so deeply - love for no reason - just because. Why is it so important that the world know I am -- fill in the blank? I suspect its when I am not rooted in the deeper connection with everything that it matters whether I exhibit certain qualities that make me feel special. Its when I do not feel the specialness of simply existing that I am afraid that I need to be a certain way.

I would like to ask you, what makes you afraid and I would like your responses? Few people live fearlessly, so what situations, people, circumstances, or scenarios, or things in general make you afraid? Maybe posting a comment makes you afraid? Let's talk about our fears. I want to hear from you.

Human Beings

I know I am not the only who gets lost in the "doing" part of being human: one can substitute searching for a job, to working at a job, to taking care of your infant, to talking to a friend, to any task or anything we can "do" as humans. It is always easy to get carried away believing that accomplishing this particular thing will bring what is needed, but more important than doing anything is the state of consciousness from which it comes. Yes, it is true that I am looking for a job, but is it possible to look for a job and be present while doing it? Is it possible to do it from the flow of life, from a state of connectedness? What happens for me is that I simply remember that I am always "home" even if sometimes I get carried away by my life situation or its details. Love is all there is, so it is not possible --to not be home, but sometimes we forget that we are home and get carried away in thinking that we must get somewhere or that something must be accomplished.

The senses are way back home. They are a portal into remembering who we are. Can you occassionally bring your attention to the clickety clack of the keyboard keys as you type? Or the space between your thoughts as you try to come up with what to say? Can you be aware of the knife pressing into the onions as you chop them for tonight's meal? Can you be aware of the silent pauses when your friend is speaking? Can you feel the earth supporting your feet as you walk? Can you feel the beat of your own heart? Can you see the white space on the paper you are reading? Any of those sense "exercises" can give us pause and help us reconnect with the moment we are in. They can help us remember our true purpose is to fully be.

Similarly anything done with your whole being brings joy. Its because everything is meant to be loved. The world is meant to be a playground of love. It is all worthy of our love and so if we can truly "be" with anything, we will feel the love that is its essence.

How would you live your life if you really sensed deeply that everything really was one? What would be different about the way you lived?

Distractions

Lately, I have been distracted a lot. Although I have maintained a lazer like focus on my job search, I have been distracted from my true life purpose. You see my life's purpose is not the specifics of what I am doing so much, but maintaining a quality of consciousness while doing it. The job search has been consuming. I am approaching it as though it were a full time job, which requires my solid attention and dedication. It is important always to be present in the moments we have and in this I have been distracted. I have not smelled the roses along the way. The peace which is as near as my breath has eluded me simply because I have been too carried away with accomplishing my task.

The buddhists talk of mindfulness, Eckhart Tolle talks about not making the present moment into a means to an end, - they are one in the same -be where you are fully - in that lies your peace. For example, as I sit and write cover letters and search websites for jobs, our cat Aria sits beside me on the desk. Occasionally she will meow and get up, blocking the computer screen. It is never very long. She is simply stretching and asking for a nice pat. Rather than get frustrated that she is blocking the screen I could surrender to the the flow of life which seems to be asking of me in that moment -- take a few moments break.

Often however, I am distracted by the pressing task before me. I must get this done NOW. But is that really true? Too easily do I lose sight of enjoying the journey. You see, frustration is a sign that we are resisting life in that moment. My frustration at Aria comes from a story that I might not finish what I'm working on soon enough or that what I am doing won't be good enough. Fear is clearly trying to come in the backdoor - but are those thoughts true? Maybe they are, maybe they aren't.

My own awakening came with the insight that I did not have to believe even my own thoughts. That they too, just come and go and I don't need to attach to them. It is possible to simply breathe occassionally as the job search continues and to remind myself what a miracle life is. It only takes remembering. It only takes remembering that our true "purpose" is not anything we do, but who we are.